F-O-R-G-I-V-E-N-E-S-S

One of the biggest areas of therapy I enter into with every-single-one of my clients' is the topic of FORGIVENESS.

HOW and WHY? Many reasons!

New research was published by the Mayo Clinic that patients suffering from a life- threatening disease who were holding a grudge (or even bitter hatred) found that when they forgave the individual who hurt or harmed them treatment began to miraculously work! Coincidence? I think not.

Regarding my studies of forgiveness in the Bible, Matthew 6:14-15 states:

¹⁴ For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,¹⁵ but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

This verse is directly after the Our Father and how I missed it for 43 years is humbling and mind-blowing, however, God's timing is PERFECT. 

Am I saying you must forgive everyone whom has ever hurt or harmed you. YES! So let us start with the first question I always receive...

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:  

• Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time.
• Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being.
• When you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you.
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life.
• As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck, consider the situation from the other person's point of view. Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. In addition, consider broadening your view of the world. Expect occasional imperfections from the people in your life. You might want to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you. It can also be helpful to write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how those wrongs have affected others. At the same time, avoid judging yourself too harshly. You're human, and you'll make mistakes. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically ask for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

I hope and pray that the information above will begin your journey of forgiveness and freedom. I have been so wrecked by the Gospel this year that sometimes I do not know if I am coming or going. The one thing I know for certain is that Jesus rescued me from the grips of HELL and this leper is forever grateful! 

 

Life with a "3" year old boy

Temper tantrums anywhere, hitting and throwing out of frustration, “I do it myself” attitude, food fights at almost every meal… Excuse me, did I sign up for this?

Where did this child come from!?! What happened to my precious little boy from last summer? The terrible “3's” have possessed my son! When is nap time?

God, are you listening?

And then in the still, quiet moments… The Sippy cup of milk or juice that my son enjoys sitting in no other place than my lap, the monkey hugs he gives when wanting to be held and not put down, the soft side of his cheek when I’ve given him his 100th kiss of the day, and the sweet way my son replies when asked by me, “Who’s your mommy?”... DADDY!!! (words from Teddy).

God has such a good sense of humor!

Even though I am ready to pull my hair out on the terrible days, the terrific days, by far, out weigh. Waking up in the morning to such a happy, smiling, loving face, our daily walks to the park and my son pointing out everything from bike riders to horses, dogs, even deer, to planes and automobiles, and other kids and their moms and dads. He notices all and misses nothing! Teddy makes me stop to smell the flowers, touch the bark on a tree, and listen to the winding brook that travels to the fishing pond… But most importantly, breathing, feeling love, and knowing the true blessing of motherhood.

So mommies, or whatever you are being called these days, pat yourselves on the back for the super hard work you are doing and relish in the “good days” and appreciate the “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days". For in those moments, I am taught about some inner wisdom and strength I never knew I had before. With motherhood, I am able (not always willing) to grow and be the best “mum” I can be for my precious little stinker-butt.

Thank you God, for this amazing GIFT!

Community... How is yours?

I love Koinonia. The word has such a multitude of meanings that no single English word is adequate to express its depth and richness. It is a derivative of koinos, the word for common. Koinonia is a complex, rich, and thoroughly fascinating Greek approach to building community or teamwork (definition from wikipedia).

I am amazed and saddened by the number of individuals I meet that have no solid friend relationships and are deeply afraid of taking the risk of doing so because of past hurts. "OUCH" is a real thing for much of our society.

C.S. Lewis puts it this way, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

So how about you? Do you fear relationships or welcome them? I'd love to hear your feedback!

Much love and many blessings,

Kelly